theblizzardface's Journal

6:16pm: i'm sick got a cold, makes me old
ALso mix master mike is playing new years and i have tickets!!!! so even though i will be sadly single and with my sister and her boyfriend it will be super sexy.
i have a fantasy that mix master mike will fall in love with me and fly me to outerspace with him and his turntables.

11:16am: moving to a new house soon, don't know where but i'm packing. yeah...
it's very snowy here in the desert, very unusual.
sit ups
megan fox
spanish stuff

4:40pm: the people who hurt you mold you into a badass
if you see a w in me it is my middle name
if you see a t you are mistaken
as with f or j
i am
i am
i keep thinking about how fast this is, it makes me want to work out more, life is fast
i have to be really strong to be able to kick it's ass next time it tries something on me
i have been lifting, pushing, running, pulling and that's that
i was so disconnected that i started painting my nails pink and waiting for people on bar stools
now i am a dark dark thing that eats menudo and wants to listen to metal
and tell people to fuck off
not because i am sad, because i am fucking satisfied
it is sad that you have to hate the people who hurt you, because they make you the badass that you are
but don't ever tell them that, they should remain hated or all your progress will be diminished
i hate the movie hancock, but i am going to go watch it with my friend
sexy sexy sexy oh here's my list...
these are a list of sexy things in no particular order
-sunsets
-rain
-vampires
-darkness
-fire
- baths
-alcohol
-in the garden out in the dirt
-touching
-breathing
-sex
-music
-nine inch nails " closer"
-akon
-t.i.
adventures
-water
-hot springs
- camping
- gavin rosdale
- paint all over you
- painting
-camping
-feeling the same
-understanding why someone feels different about things
- weed
- eye contact
- rare meat
- fruit
-uniforms
- facial hair
-lauren hill
- assassins
- bob marley
- soccer
- dancing
- storms
- gardenias
- poems
-horseback riding
-hotel rooms
- room service
- wine
- someone being able to lift you easily
-strength
megan fox

10:12am: nastalgic for something that never happened?
dying to be somewhere else, but there is nowhere you want to be?
smoking cigarretes and doing workout videos to pass the time?
losing optimism like sand in the wind?
well the answer does not exist, onward through the fog, shake it off, walk a dog, kiss a neighbor, bake some shit, and never find a place to rent and live in, if it is in your mind because it is more expensive than your lazy ass might think. if you drink increase by 30% cigarettes increase by 67% . if you take baths and showers, quit now, thats what they mean by finding yourself, that dirt and sweat is not covering you up, it's making you into who you should be.

try to live outside all winter getting dirty then in the spring time bury yourself in the garden and see what comes out.
make sure you have someone water you, i get thirsty if i even think about it, and i know you will too because we are all hung over and thirsty.
i want to be healthy but i'd rather be with you
i'd like to be melty can you put me in your stew?
it's like a broken something it fits inside my mind
but it takes up so much space i surely will go blind.

10:08am: yodle
paradoxically things are gettingworse and better at the same time, although the worse is more apparant because it makes so much "noise". stillness speaks, by eckhart tolle
i am trying to be positive and live in the moment, which is kind of pathetic and kind of cool.
my boyfriend broke up with me and i cried for a week, in this week i got a massage and the woman took her top off during the session and started telling me i needed to join this group called adavar, where i can basiclly be born again with no worries. she said i needed to stop fixating my attention on my negative feeling. i agreed with her about that, but i could not allow myself to pay money to be in a cult that may or may not change my life.
there are so many options of what to do, but at the same time there are so few. i just have to let time pass and one day i will wake up and be happy.
i hate breaking up.
i love eating food with someone everyday, having company whenever you need it, and kissing.
i am a relationship girl, this has cursed me for life, i am attatched and fixated on everything i see as good
i am going to invest my time in a claymation, this may make me more insane, but it will also make me less insane.
i wonder why i love omar khayyam and i disagree with him so much, he thinks time is so short, while it goes on forever for me, maybe i just wish i felt that way so when i read it i pretend i do.
at least i can listen to my music now without anyone turning it down or off.

12:21pm: hey hey hey hey
i live in the desert
there is no food here
and there are very few people
there is lots of beer
at night everyone gets wasted
the bankers teachers and exstrippers
everyone is awkwardly loud for what a small place it is and i think it has something to do with the train
most people are pregnant or drunk i guess

i wanted to make a documentary about wheel barrows that have been parked and abandoned in peoples yards. i thought they could just tell me about the last time they were using it and why they just stopped, any farm equipment for that matter, piles and piles of cars that just ran out of gas one day, or got a flat.
then i starting thinking, it's more than that. I don't really know what it means, but i know it probably has something to do with the train too, because we wouldn't even be here if the train hadn't been built here 100 years ago. i am getting more cheese than my fridge has space for, they give it away at school like lice.

12:52pm: the sexiest person i have ever met is ten years from now probably. the only sexy thing in the world is something that makes you feel sexy. every day i thank god that i am not stuck in my shoe from 8th grade, i wear the same size, but i am so over it. if i had my pick i would take none of my crushes from any grade what so ever, they are just as lame as the math problems that were assigned to me in those years and years of school. sometimes i just want to shove that shoe in peoples faces so they can realize how much it stinks. i tried to live in the past the other day because i thought it was sexy then i realized i am much sexier now, with my boobs all over my chest, my thigh reaching for my butt and my brain going on and on into the future. the point is that i am trying to do photography and i suck at it! i can not look at the clock for the stupid ass developing time, it is too hard to care. australia is good. thanks.

10:08am: hey guys, australia australia, texas, texas, eggs bisquits and butter breakfast breakfast breakfast
moon is extra willowy tonight
it is chinati art weekend this weekend, i have done nothing for it. i start work today at the local coffee shop. that should be nice. i have so much work to do for school, i just can't take it seriously. it is funny how in high school the teachers parents and administration are always like"yeah you have to go to school" and they try to make it happen by any means possible, then they are like "yeah you have to pay attention" and they make you do that with orange pills if necessary. then they send you to college and they say "this is what you need to do to get a job"then they leave and you realize you don't have to be there, and you can't pay attention anyway, so you leave, fail, and become famous some other way.
i am going to national outdoor leadership school next semester. in australia, it will be 3 months, march-may, no phone calls, and maybe one time to send mail. no toilet paper. i will be dirty, but also very very clean and friendly.
i also get school credit, which is fantastic. one day i will graduate, and then i will do something else.

1:41pm: when i was 21 i stopped wearing panties and started caring what my butt looked like.
i was tired but i didn't care, i just wanted my butt to be better than my neighbors butt.
i was just going to wake up all the time and do stuff anyway
everyone else lived somewhere so i had to call them to talk to them
and there were very few of them that i actually called
and several that i thought about calling
i would sit on my couch
then i would get up and move the couch and sit on it again
this is the most productive thing i did for hours.
i would have to have mornings to get things done
when i didn't have any morning left i would trick myself by moving the
sofa and drinking coffee at noon
this made me feel like i was sober
so sober that i could get stuff done
my friend was full of energy and wispered to me in class
"i just fucked my panties"
i was jealous, not because i wanted to fuck my panties, i was still wearing them then, and not because i wanted to be her ever so useful and productive panties, i was jealous because i was tired and i couldn't even get the energy to fuck my sexy watercolors on my paper bed.
i went home and when it started raining i went running down the street in my socks, finally i sat in the dirty stream the street had formed of oil and water.
while i was sitting there i decided to think about it.
was i trying to get my boyfriend to come find me there so he would want me, impossible, or was i trying to cheat on him with something dirty, was i fucking the street or the art i was thinking or making.
i guessed that i was trying to have sex with something abstract so i could make art babies with it.
birth control doesnt work when you fuck yourself.
so i got out my supplies and made sure i got paint all over my naked body before i touched the canvas, just so i wouldn't feel distracted by my own tits, and empty stomach.
i had wine all over my mouth so i smeared paint on that too.
now i was drunk so i could hardly get any work done, but share ideas with myself that i didn't want to forget.
most of my ideas were drunk so i threw them up like balloons, choke float, choke , float.
then i sat on the floor and said the word synthetic eight times before thinking about it, then my boyfriend stood up and said he was going to go home and take a shower. how sober
it made me feel so ordinary to see that we were humans, i felt my heart beat and remembered that humanity could be cool.
i wanted to be the kind of girl that didn't need stuff, like a purse, someone who could not take showers or wear makeup for days, but my hair wann't long and pretty enough to do the hippy thing so i ate the cheese someone left in my fridge and thought about nothing, when i was done i was tired, i had been an artist for a whole 25 minutes and i didn't have much to show for it so i video taped myself sleeping.

9:57am: west texas is where i live right now. i am going to midland for a dr. appointment and art supplies in the morning. i am going to make t-shirts with an airbrush to sell at the coffee shop here.

every day i wake up around 8:30 and skateboard to the coffee shop with my puppy. after about an hour here i go run errands and look for whoever has pot, then at 11:00 i have horsemanship class. the class focuses on training horses, we are each assigned our own to work with. mine is named stilleto and she is a little bucking beauty. then after class i go exercise, shower and drink beer for the remainder of the day, approximately 4:30-midnight. i like it here and i am addicted to being here, but something about being out here with all this time is so inspiring i can hardly take it. most of my art lately has been a tattoo i am drawing for my friend kevin, chalk on my porch and on the porch of the coffee shop, and my little sketches. i want to make bigger stuff and i feel guilty i haven't already, but it's coming. i am going to get back into oil painting and i want to get a projector to make my sketches earier to transfer too big canvas. sometimes i miss chicago, and art people, but you kind find what you need to hear in a lot of peoples voices. i really like talking to both of my 50 year old bobs. one is an artist wine drinker, the other is a smart drunk who can write poetry and make fun of himself and everyone else pretty well, he reminds me of bukowski but he hates bukowski. typical. i want to go for a road trip but the only plans i have made are to go see my sister in dc, i really don't want to go, but i do want to see her and dorothy's shoes are there too somewhere i heard. so maybe i will visit san antonio this year and maybe never again. i miss a lot of people but there are a lot of people i never want to see again. not because i don't like them, i just feel better when they are not around.

life is always balancing on something, there is no such thing as stuck.

i was thinking about how much i have melded to this place and felt stuck, but the last time i didn't feel this way was when i was in high school wanting so much to get out of that place. i really was free then because i felt so out of place. not i am always attatched to places, dependent upon one person to see everday, one bar to drink at, one place to have coffee, one drug to take. this is a recipe for dissappoinjtment.
i need to take off in my head or out of my head.

it is hard to not break when you are attatched and it is easy to stay intact when you are floating above it all.
but it is hard to relate when you are a floater, how important is that?
how important is this anyway? it depends

3:15pm: when i was
wake up
wake up
then i slept
but my exercise mat is dirty
so i did my situps on your stomach
with my spine digging holes in your sides
i am sorry

2:12pm: my thousand handsprings bounced me back here to my one and only paycheck
i was quitting when i realized how many art things i could do
then my electric bill went unpaid and it was too hot to paint
in a day it will be on again
my puppy
is cuter
than
yours

9:38am: gold feelings, god feelings
dark dreamings, deep meanings
all tingling
all itching
all burning
push
no exit
i know you hurt
iknow your hurting
but i have to share this too
i don't know how to let it out when you snap it you snap it in two
all is legitimate
can't we agree
all feelings are real all felt i feel
but if it is too hard you can't hold it in.
i am movingi am moving
but i never get in
here

11:19pm: help
someone once told me that if you are being attacked in the street or something that you should yell "fire" instead of "help" because people are more likely to turn around if they think they are threatened too or something. well fire...





it didn't work. if i didn't have a phone or ability to get a hold of people far away i'd be passed out right now, in a not good way. my roommate wants to ruin my life. i am tempted to kick him out because my name is on the lease.

when people feel overwhelmed by life there are lots of outlets they use. most are unhealthy and some can ruin you. we all have our bad outlets and some of us have our good ones.
i like to make art to escape but not so much anymore out of hate. i could do it out of frustration with a relationship, but i hate making hate art. what a waste of supplies, and what a pain to look at later. plus it is hard for me to take anything i do seriously when i feel so upset. drinking when you are pissed off is one of the stupidest things i have ever seen anyone do in my life. it's okay to drink if you are shaken up about something, like a hard test at school, a speeding ticket, stuff like that, but if someone really hurts your feelings, or you are really lonely, or you feel generally sad about life, getting drunk makes it hurt more. if you are with people you love and they love you everything is different but nobody ever feels totally horrible about all aspects of life or horrible about themselves if they are around people they love, that love and respect them too. am i right? well anyway. i feel silly because i haven't writen in livejournal about obviously real things in a while, it feels like 17.

2:29pm: alertness: insomniation of the abbreviation of already already forever
this second performed with high accuracy and awareness
or passing through it
some people like it clogged

9:35am: for reals
last night when i came home i called everyone on my phone and nobody answered then my drunk ass somehow moved my bed across my floor out of anger. then i put this big wood panel thing behind my bed the other way around and on the back it says "you are free" then someone skribbledd under free "fuckd" and there is a giant cock on it too. then i left mean messages i shouldn't have and almost lost one of the only things that matters right now. the problem is that i know i was wrong but i am still mad, at everyone. because nobody is there when it really matters to be. i know it is stupid but it is just too hard for me to be drunk alone right now i guess. thats why i was mad at my friends for wanting to leave the bar so early last night. i was hanging out with my exbf mike and he was on the phone with his other ex and when he was saying who he was hanging out with on accident he said her name, then i was thinking well if he said she was here on accident he is obviously thinking about her, and why does she get to call him all the time? and why does any of it matter? it all just felt weird. him and his friend kept talking about stuff i didn't know about and girls and shit but when i mentioned any boys names mike would be like "who is that" all mad sounding and they were really just friends. i got no boyfriends here man, maybe that's why it sucks. life without dates sucks. no question about it being alone sucks. also last night i put all my art supplies in the shower and my mirror in there too then i turned on the water and wrote something, i haven't gone back to read it yet. why does everything suck so much right now? this is my favorite holiday and i have nobody to share it with, well tonight i am going to rjd2 with max and that will be great. i feel like i can get nothing done because i am so angery about not having anyone to bitch with about everything. i want to go get my face peirced or something to connect me to air, like drug. i feel like if i was alice i have taken the pill that makes me larger and i don't like it. when you are alone too long you become part of nothing and that is the scariest thing to feel a bond with.

6:17pm: wake me up wake me up shake me up yeah i got a thousand more of these
seconds minute hours
like drugs
i been shooting up time
with no reason this time
and my roommate my roommate is chewing
i don't like being around, this town baby
the illusion
the illusionz
they make me so lazy
i gotta call my mom i gotta call my dad i gotta sell my roommate to the desert sand
when imove to memphis, or if i ever do
i will work on my old heartbreaks
to write sweet songs in tune
i might even start wearing lipstick, if it comes to that
when will movers move me all my stuff arranged
when will movers move me and my stuff is strange
got a lamp that lights up green
got a trunk filled with everything
got a bed that i desk on to
got a chair that's a shelf and table
when i'm older i'll buy a stable.
gotta get up gotta sell
all my belongings to the edge of the well
then push them in and push them out
new and soft like me after shower, waters got and got has got power
i write as i go
i know
i know
i am ot writing about anything
because i feel lazy
but hey! i am here; in edges edge -humanity, humanity, humanity...






"yes doctor?"

"no! it's nurse nurse!"

right on the doctors edge
that's where his lip gently touched his diagnosis
right there oh the edge of a tense tense curl
up or down was the curl up or down
this doctors curl went inward till he had almost no lips left

5:33pm: i woke up this morning about 18 times. i woke up when todd called and then went roller blading and then i was pretty hungery so i ate then i passed out because i was exhausted then i woke up a lot of times but couldnt move because part of me died in that burrito. it was so big that i think i dreampt that i dropped my mind in it. then i kept waking up and sleeping and i dream that i moved into an apartment a few blocks away and for some reason i really liked it and my sink was blue and had a lot of cabinets i woke up with energy in my dream wake up.
i went out into the living room and this guy was there that went to my high school that i was friends with freshman year and clay for some reason knew him and brought him here because he had just been hit by a car and he wanted to charge his phone in my bathroom. so i was going to take a shower in my dream and then call todd to tell him about everything but then when i was getting my stuff together in the bathroom i was like. oh wait is this a dream? because i really didn't want it to be for some reason (i guess because i felt i had spent a lot of time and energy in it) but someone called me and i came back to waking life and i was soooooooo weird for me to put together that i did rollerblade i did eat the burrito but nothing else happened, at least not yet

why ya gotta calll when i am living in this dream? but hey

this morning the real one i also had a dream that peewee herman was babysitting me at pizza hut and he was a dwarf or something and he put me to bed and had a plastic sword and he kept sliding his hands under my pillow and pulling them out laughing, it was creepy. i had such a constructive morning, how do i keep the momentum going rollerblade, eat, nap, then i gotta get this work done i just need esspresso or something HELP i don't want to sleep anymore eaither because that shit is getting too dramatic

4:25am: fujugle ieayt fu juggle iat
f jugglke it i at postyed

11:54pm: silly love poem
i toasted my posted, my posted is toasted
little fried nuggets
of journal contents to share
and dip in your sauces
onion ringss
napkins beware

fancy is frightful for those with no cure
for delighting is something you desire not dead, but alive
i don't want my future to live in a suture
flesh attatched to a nonpulsed city
nor do i wish for supplements to any extence
life is a really real really real thing
no harsh lighting, no packaged foods, no concrete foot steps, not in these shoes
i want your eyes to rest on my face
i want your arms to always embrace
i want your soft soulbeat to sleep with my ear
and if it stops beating, let mine quiet too
for the neighbors will sleep and the new youth will woo
they will pull lovers to bed, or way up in their head and shampoo and shampoo and shampoo
but if this soul beat is muted, let my life be uprooted
for my life might be a line, but this one has design
it is you it is you it is you

8:26am: chance of chancey
i am sick. i feel hot. and it is very cold outside, chance of snow. i'm not too sure about this, but i have to go to school today. shit.

10:13pm: time keeps on slipping don't kill it, never kill it
time after time, one time... happens
all we have it time, to tell time
don't tell them what time it is if they don't ask
they might not care. i wish they didn't know about time yet.
we could be timeless

i don't have to tell you
if you get my patterns
but i am leaving here
and i might not be seen again except in an image of an image
that's why i make them
see ya later!

9:50pm: I lick love.
Edna St. Vincent Millay, “[Love is not all...]”

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickenig lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution’s power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

12:12am: subject to change
tame my bones
my tigers eye luck
tame my eyes
to suck it up
it's here it's here!
the future.
i have to wake up a few times a day now.
just to make my waking up muscles work harder
get stronger
before i quit being a student and start being an answer
to all the teacher's questions

so today i called myself out on it. i have been lazy as mount vesuvious in pomeii. no eruptions artistic style. so i am going to forget about the classes
that don't cure my sick
and start focusing on the ones
that make life less of a dick.

today a strange man on a bike said he was going to beat me. no joke. i got scared and decided i would never leave my house again. then i realized it was silly and walked back to school and another man kept yelling at me that he knew i was single and to go over to him. it really pissed me off. also last night on the train, too late and too drunk, a homeless guy kept yelling at me that the wheels would break before the tracks did. BUT also my freind monte had a fashion show that was really cool, i am not really into fashion myself, but this stuff was cool. so somethings in the air, watch out for it, don't breathe too much and don't breathe so little that the air gets suspicious. air can't read, so you can show it that i wrote this if you want. how do you teach air to read? well you have to be able to communicate with it first. do you speak tai chi?


quiz

1)how do you teach water how to read?
first laminate the reading material, and choose a subject of interest but not threatening, like bubbles

2)when was the last sip of what?
perrier now dripping down my chin

3)can you count your quizzies?
i think i have done about 4 in my life

4)what's your favorite (in lifeline)?
"good morning" when it is, and then coffee with an emptied to do list

5)least favorite?
strangers mean to strangers
and people who talk to much about their weight or general small medical issues

6)do you think anyone can see you in your room from outside?
yes telescope or not, i know they are out there and i hate window fear!

7)worst kitcken disaster?
dropping a bowl of tomato soup on the floor, then doing the same with the next one

8)most important day of the week?
the one that is closer to being where i am going

9) there are no uninteresting things, only uninterested people.

i agree

10) it doesn't matter what lies behind you, or what lies before you in the future, it only matters what lies within you.
yes

11) have you ever felt right?
yes

12)have you ever felt wrong?
i smoked a cig today yesterday and the day before

13)yourfavorite part of your hand?
the palm

14) yourfavorite part of him/her?
cowboy hands

15)when was the last time?
the only time

3:36pm: wake me up
after you meet me
and i'll remember your name
let me sleep dream
while i meet you
and i'll remember
your face
let me know you and i'll
remember your hands
make me hate you
and i'll forget everything about
all but the music
and i will hate the music
and i will hate that you made me hate it
make me love you
and i'll remember every part
that is
i love when people move slow
i am watching people do tai chi really wrong and acting like they know it and it's really soothing.